Pizza Thursday, followed by a round of gratitude.

So, yesterday... Hm... If I can remember...
I remember going out walking with mother at around sunset, with Connor riding along on his little bike with his little red helmet... and then insisting that mother or I push his bike while he looked for pretty stones... and then chasing after me as I rolled off down the hill on his bike.... which was quite funny at the time... hm... indeed.
And then pizza. Pizza Thursday. Every second Thursday here is public servant payday, and as both my parents are employed by government organisations, and thus public servants, it's the one day of the fortnight when we have any money. Therefore, the day we have pizza. Every second Thursday we have pizza, and it is therefore Pizza Thursday. And on the Friday after, I have cold pizza for breakfast and/or lunch. Indeed.
Anyway, Trish came over and gave Freya and Bridie fifty dollars each for Italy, very generous of her, she did the same for me when I was going to Japan, and I bought her and Kevin a prettiful painting as thanks. So Freya and Bridie might like to also show their gratitude. Hint, hint.

Nyes... then today... and what happened of interest today, I hear my several pet voices ask? Nothing. Mother dragged me out to body balance, I nearly dieded of dehydration - I keep forgetting to bring a waterbottle... - and I heard some random song I liked the words of and so found the lyrics to and posted beneath this, I went down to Woden with mother and Connor and got a nice black hat and a sherbet ice cream from Wendy's™, and generally didn't do much...

Hm... one of those random quiz things that go round recently asked me "What are you most proud of?". Man, was that a crappy moment. What am I proud of?
Little voice number one says, "Nothing, you suck at everything".
Little voice number two says, "That isn't true, you memorised pi to 23 decimal places".
Little voice number one says, "You loser, that's nothing to be proud of, simply a matter of memorising some numbers."
Little voice number two says, "Well, I can play the piano...."
Little voice number one says, "Well I should damn well hope so, you've been trying for eight years, and you still aren't as good as you should be."
Little voice number two says, "I'm not that bad..."
Little voice number one says, "You're not good enough."
Little voice number two says, "Maybe I can be."
Little voice number one says, "Oh, I didn't just mean at piano. You're not good enough at anything. No matter how hard you try."
Little voice number three says, "I don't want to try, there's no point, I'll only fail."
Little voice number two says, "But maybe I won't, I should try, just in case I don't fail..."
Little voice number one says, "But then you'll just feel as useless and worthless as you are, and you don't want that."
Little voice number three says, "Maybe I do..."
Little voice number two is drowned out.
Little voice number one convinces little voice number three that Caitlin is completely useless.
Little voice number three curls up in a ball and cries.
Little voice number four comes in as autopilot, makes me eat and drink and get up in the morning, act like a human being, when possible...
I don't know which I am...

Whichever, I still have nothing to be proud of... I never do anything meaningful at all, and everything I do is like I have no say in it, my mind's gone completely and all I have is emotions and an autopilot. I don't get upset about specific things, but sometimes I just get these huge waves of complete misery and despair and I can't understand why. And that scares me. Sometimes I get random ups, and I feel so high, and everything gets colourful and swirls and moves quickly and happily, and I think that maybe it's okay, because I feel so good, but it isn't real happiness, there's no thought behind it, it's just like some puppeteer decides to make me act happy.
I don't know... I need somebody to help me, but I can't bear to ask, there are so few people I ever really connect with. There have been people, at times, who have helped me, hugely, who have drawn some semblance of thought out of my screwed up head. Thank you guys, chances are you know who you are. Thank you so much. And of course I won't say it to your faces, I'll probably pretend I never even wrote this, because to aknowledge it is to admit how scared I am, of me, and of my mind, and what it thinks of me...
There are three main people who I am really, really grateful to, for trying to get some logic out of me and for occasionally trusting me enough to talk to me in return. One of them, I think I've lost. Another... I don't know what he thinks of me, the way I carry on. The third, probably thinks I don't think at all, and he may be right... though I think he said I wasn't annoying... but that may have been my imagination... and he thought that he might be annoying, which isn't in the least true.
You guys, please, don't ever stop being so damn awesome. Thanks heaps for being so great to me. It really does help.

There's not really anything I can say after that... Hm...
I'll just leave these random lyrics at the bottom of the post.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eurythmics: Anything But Strong

Why do you hurt yourself?
You do it very well
You do it so politely
That you couldnt even tell
When everything has changed
You think youre not to blame
How come you keep on talking
When the whole thing feels so strange? ....

But seeing
Is not the same as believing
When everything goes wrong
Youre anything but strong

Its all bittersweet
Outside in the street
The grass is growing greener
Underneath your feet
We come and go
The deep water flows
Tiny leaves from smaller seeds
To tall trees do grow

But wanting
Is not the same thing as needing
Theres no need to pretend
You cant turn back again
And loving
Is so different to keeping
The hurting that we send
Is so difficult to mend

[hold on to the good things]
[that keep you from falling down]
[hold on to the good things]
[that keep you from falling down]

How my heart aches
More than I can take
What are we really learning
When we make the same mistakes?

Where is your hope?
Its all gone up in smoke
You used to be so funny
Now its just the same old joke

And laughing
Is so very close to crying
When theres nothing to defend
It gets you in the end
And living
Is so very close to dying
You struggle on and on
To find where you belong

Where do you belong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And another I heard at Body Balance, though I knew it already...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And after I've had my cry, I just want to say thank you once more.